A Clean Slate

2011 is coming quickly to a close....
My plans for New Years Eve?

1. To write down everything hurtful that happened in 2011 and burn it.  The past is the past, God forgets our sins as far as the east is from the west. I want to start 2012 with a clean slate.

2. Will be spending time with my brother and his wife and close to 50 others worshiping Christ.

My mom used to tell me when I was little kid that whatever you are doing at midnight on new years eve is what you will be doing the whole year. Worshiping Christ the whole year?
Sounds good to me!!

Seek God

"Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content." Ecclesiastes 1:8 NLT

Through the Christmas season I have noticed more things. Or actually paid closer attention to the things around me. Peoples behavior toward one another, and their behavior toward possessions. Yes in the Christmas story the wise men did bring gifts to Jesus as a sign of honoring him, he after all is the Savior of the world. I feel that society has really gotten away from the true meaning of this season. Just as the verse above states, we always want more. How many more possessions do we really need? More verses come to mind.

"If someone has enough money to live well and sees a brother or sister in need but shows no compassion--how can God's love be in that person?" 1John 3:17 NLT

"He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God." Proverbs 14:31 NIV

There are several more, open your bible and search them out. Embrace them and apply them to your life.  Those that love God are purposed to do his will. That means quit seeking more material things, quit spending so much money on things that after awhile will be forgotten. Love people, serve people. Show Gods love to them. Another verse.

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" Matthew 25:40 NLT

When we serve each other in Gods love, we are doing it to God himself. Yes there are a lot of good people in the world,  but do they know Jesus? Do they have a personal relationship with him? This is why we need to stop seeking things for our own personal gain. Selfishness never prevails. Yet another verse.

"Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves." Philippians 2:3 NLT

Stop seeking worldly things, and start seeking Godly things. I am a foreigner here, I feel this more and more every day. I am not perfect and struggle with the showing of love to everyone all the time. God isn't finished with me yet, we all have to start somewhere. Let's start here.

Being who God has called me to be.....

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.  How precious are your thoughts about me, O God.  They cannot be numbered!  I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!" Psalm 139:13-18

God has called me, even before I was ever a thought to my parents. Why do we as people struggle to be accepted by those around us, when the only thing that matters is God's love?  It says it in this passage that God's thoughts about me are precious. By definition precious as an adjective means; of great value, highly esteemed or cherished, excessively refined. We all know that the process of being refined as in gold and silver takes some master skill to get it right and is a lengthy process. Who better to refine us than God our Father? Who, by the way, finds us of great value, and we are highly esteemed by him and cherished. We are excessively refined. A lot of thought and time and love was put into my creation.

I am called by God, to do what he has purposed in my life. The need is urgent to walk away from the world that doesn't have high regard for me, that doesn't find great value in me, doesn't cherish me and definitely is not spending the time to refine me.

This is what it's all about....walking away, and following the one who loves me without condition. No matter what I've done, or how many times I've done it, his love is still there, he is still interested in me.  The real me, because he created that person and doesn't want  to change it, he only wants to refine it.

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me." John 10:27

Decisions....

As an adult, I don't like to make decisions, especially when it involves others. Some decisions need to be made.
First of all, the decision to trust in Jesus to provide my every need is the most important. He knows how unhappy I am with certain situations and yet I am to trust him for the best outcome. Well if the best outcome is to not have an outcome at all, I am still unhappy. Frustration has set in if you can't already tell.
Second, I believe that we have been given the ability to use our brains and make intelligent informed decisions in our lives. This is the part I have most trouble with, making decisions on my own sometimes.
Again, still unhappy.
Praying that the outcome is acceptable and the unhappiness subsides. I'm hoping with all hope that it will.
Our decisions effect everyone around us. More praying that my decisions aren't disappointing to those I love and care about. Least of all disappointing to Jesus.

The deepest parts of my heart......

God knows every detail about us.....our desires, our needs. He grants us our wishes when we least expect it. Sometimes though, he doesn't say yes. What about those times when we are told no? Even when what we desire in the deepest parts of our hearts, something we ache for so much. The answer is still no.
Why would God not grant us those deepest desires? Are we not ready for them? Are they not in his plan for our lives? Do we need to learn to get on without them for a season then the answer will be yes?
Only God knows the answer to all of these questions. I know I'm not the only asking them.

I will take comfort in his love and hope that what is in the deepest parts of my heart will be given to me one day.

Blessings.....

Blessings are disguised sometimes....but are oh so wonderful!

Lord your unfailing love gets me everytime, I hope that never changes.
You provide, period. You love, period. You comfort, period.

You are God, period.

Thankful.....

For the past 20 years, holidays haven't been my favorite time of year.  The past 4 years have been even more depressing at holiday times.  This year, I changed that. All of the hurt from the past during the holidays is exactly where it will stay, in the past. God is amazing with his love, and I lean on him to get me through.

This year my house was filled with wonderful people that I love and that love me just as much in return.  Every chair was filled with an amazing person that means so much to me. The table was over flowing with food that was prepared with the most love. So many left overs sent home with everyone that wanted them.  God is a good god. He supplies our every need. God knew what I needed to get over the hurts of the past during holidays, and he supplied the means to do it. Today was fulfilling, not only physically, but spiritually and emotionally.

From here on out, I LOVE HOLIDAYS!!!! Christmas, here we come!!!!

Love is the medicine.....

It's evident that it's contagious
It's a deadly disease that won't let go
Shame is like a fire that rages
Is there a cure for the sickness of the soul
An antidote

Ohhhh, love is the medicine
Ohhhh, love is the medicine
There's a hurting world in need
Jesus is the remedy
Ohhhh

Are you tired of the way you're feeling
Giving in to living unsatisfied
Are you desperate for a healing
There's a cure that cannot be denied
It brings you back to life

Ohhhh, love is the medicine
Ohhhh, love is the medicine
There's a hurting world in need
And Jesus is the remedy
Ohhhh

Love replaces all the pain and takes it all away

Ohhhh, love is the medicine
Ohhhh, love is the medicine
There's a hurting world in need
And Jesus is the remedy, yeah
Ohhhh
Ohhhh
There's a hurting world in need
And Jesus is the remedy
Love is the medicine

Blessed assurance.....

" In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus.  So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation."   1 Peter 5:10


Thank you Kathy......

Can't follow if your chained to the floor.......

Amazing how paralyzing our emotions can be. How we have the tendency to let them render us helpless and frozen in our tracks.

God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them..... Romans 8:28.

While typing this verse, I saw the words in a different light than I have ever seen them before.
Let's look at it in reverse.
God has called us all for his purpose, if we choose to live for him, we are called for his purpose. Get it, his purpose.
If we love God, we are called.
Everything...doesn't mean a few things, or once in a while things. EVERY thing. God caused it all to work together for the good, for whats best for us because he loves us and has a purpose for our lives.
This verse has literally opened my eyes wide!
No matter what situation we are in, if we love God and are choosing to live for him, he will cause that situation to work in a way we may not want, but he knows whats best.
He will take that awful situation and make it good, because it was necessary for you to go through it in order for him to bring you to where he wants you, because you are called for his purpose.
So lovers of God....let those hurtful situations happen, God is in control, he knows what he's doing.
Give him the hurt feelings and all of the emotional baggage. He wants to take it from you so you can be stronger and walk with him and do his will.

Follow You.......

Mercy........

"People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy." Proverbs 28:13

I know that we need to confess our sins to one another so that forgiveness and mercy can be received. Hiding and lies....there is no room for that anymore.
God is ready to give mercy and healing where it is needed.

Thank you so much Jesus for taking my place on that cross, for being the ultimate sacrifice.
Let the healing begin.....

Choices........

In looking through definitions of the word Hope I came across a few that were unknown to me. I liked them better than the normal everyday definition that everyone knows.
Of course Christianity has the ultimate definition of hope:
The theological virtue defined as the desire and search for a future good, difficult but not impossible to attain with God's help.

We all cling to this in times of trouble or in times when we look forward to some event or life change. God can and does help. Always.
I was, however, looking for something different. Something that would mean more to me, just me. It doesn't have to mean anything to anyone else. Two definitions I found regarding the word hope caught my eye.

A sloping plain between mountain ridges.
A small bay; an inlet; a haven.

In reading these definitions and visualizing them, tears came.
I can see that plain between the mountains.
I can smell the air and feel the wind of the small bay.
I find God here. He is my haven.

Now I know this blog title is choices and you may think I'm talking about choices of definitions to words, I'm not.
The choices in life we have are unnumberable, (yes, this is a word meaning too numerous to be counted). We have this with God, choices. I look at these choices as more chances to get closer to Him, to become more like Him.
In making these choices I have hope that they are the right ones, the ones to bring me closer, the ones to seclude me from the world and let me just be with Him.
These choices are my sloping plain between two mountain ridges. They are my small bay, my inlet, my haven. Here is where I run to when the choices I've made become trying. I hide in the hope I have in God. I seclude myself in that haven, I sit on the sloping plain with God. Taking in His love for me.

Psalm 39:7 "And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you"

Blinders

Blinders are used on horses to keep them focused on the direction in which they are to go.
I sometimes wish God would give me blinders to keep me focused on the direction in which I should go.
When we make significant changes because we allow God to take control, which He has had already but we have been fighting Him, we run into snags that cause us to veer off course from time to time.

God knows that being human we have faults, and temptations. He was human himself, and has felt everything that we have felt. All the anxiety, hurt, grief, even joy.  God knows what we are going through.....even before we know.

Little hiccups in life will happen, but if we keep our feet on a straight path, we will become stronger in the end.

"For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13

Triggers

Here in the Southern San Joaquin Valley there are distinct smells that remind me of the seasons.
In the spring its the honeysuckle and orange blossoms.
In the winter its the many fireplaces blazing.
In the summer its the hot roads and bbqing.
But in the fall, its something entirely different, and it affects me in a way that I wish it wouldn't.
The smells in the fall take me back to times I wish I could forget, times I would like to erase from my memory all together....sometimes.
The fall smells....I just pray they pass quickly.
Every time I do smell them they trigger something in me.
I feel lonely during this time, and am reminded of the fast approaching holidays. Am also reminded of the wasted years chasing something that was never mine.
When I smell fall I want to go where I don't need to be. I want to call who I shouldn't call. I long for what I really don't need. All because of the this season and its smells.
Smells are tricky. They can remind you of wonderful times, hurtful times, of people from your past, people that you have lost. Sometimes I wish I couldn't smell at all.
How do we get rid of these triggers that make us want?  I so desperately want to not have the triggers and enjoy this season.
The crisp smell in the air...the smell of the orange groves. The warmth of my sweater.  The time change. I want to enjoy all of them with my family and friends without thoughts of anything else.
I want this time to be different.

You know my heart
You've seen the darkness in it
The disappointment that dims the innocence of it
And my soul knows
And so it goes

How beautiful you are
Bright and morning star
I bow down and kiss your feet
The feet that lead me from the dark

When my faith is shaken
My way is lost and jaded, and
I don't know where to turn
Afraid but not forsaken
And my soul knows
And so it goes

How wonderful you are
Redeemer of my heart
I reach out and kiss your hands
The hands that wear loves scars

And when I stood on the edge of the waer
With fading hope there would be a tomorrow
You held me safe in your hands
Reminding me that I would walk again

How powerful you are
You've carried me this far
I look up and kiss your face
The face that sees inside my heart
The face that sees my heart
                                           Edge of the Water; Tammy Trent

He carries us, He loves us. Trust Him, believe Him.

I am more.....

2 Corinthians 5:17
"This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" NLT

I am more than any mistake I have ever made, any bad choice that has ever crossed my mind. Jesus shed his blood for me once and for all. He is the high priest, the final sacrifice. With His blood I am cleansed and forgiven. No more sacrifices are needed to be made. Hebrews 10:18 "And when sins have been forgiven, there is no need to offer any more sacrifices."
Quite amazing if you ask me. I'm forgiven and everything in my past that has brought shame and embarrassment, is washed away, for good. There is freedom in knowing this.

Needing a change.....

We all experience change in our lives....sometimes it's not a welcome thing.
I am constantly changing into what God wants me to be...let me tell you it is a long process. I don't like to listen, you would think after 27 years of believing and wanting to live for Him, I would listen.
Nope.
So many things pull at me, knowing which one to go to is what the problem is. I pray, and He answers, but not in the timing that I would like. I want instant answers and clarification of what path to choose and how to get there. Not in His design, He has it all mapped out, but wont let me see it. Thank goodness.
Having a young teenager puts a bit of a kink in things. Am I to wait until he finishes school to walk the path that I feel is set before me? Am I to turn him over to Dad to finish raising, that would be very difficult to do.  Does he go with me? If not his calling what would be the point? Even though I know somewhat of the path that is to be trod, I believe that waiting is the best possible thing to do. A glimpse is better that being completely blind to the next step. I'm good at waiting.
God wants me, mind, body and soul. Wholeheartedly, and completely. I say, here I am, use me. I know He is and will, in His time.
I think a lot of us get that confused. It's all God's timing, never our own. Sometimes God's timing is immediate, sometimes it's years. His plans are perfect and trusting Him is never easy, but necessary.
If we give ourselves up the way He wants us to, everything will fall into place. Then we can sit back and reflect on where He has brought us from.  We will then see how everything unfolded in order to bring Glory to His Kingdom.  That's what it's all about, Glory for His Kingdom, nothing more, nothing less.
So I say bring on these changes in my life. I welcome them openly, no longer will I be afraid of the future. God has me in His arms and walks with me every step of the way. Praise Him for that!

A new path, and better sleep

Well, I am a few days into some changes that have been made.

There are mixed feelings here on this new path....these changes have been tried in the past, this time it's different, better. I actually feel a sense of relief this time and hope that going back will not happen again.

Since these changes, I have slept better. Actually Im somewhat of a night owl, so Im up late and usually don't sleep very much. Since a few days ago, I have gone to bed earlier and slept more, and better.
God is good in His promises. I have great hope in these promises and look forward to another day of walking with Him.

"When you lie down, you will not be afraid, when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet." Proverbs 3:24 NIV

In the quiet....

I have been house sitting for some very dear friends while they are away in Kentucky. They don't have cable, so I think I have watched every movie they seemed to have already. Most of my days thus far have been sitting in the quiet of the house, thinking.
Back to my first post, I know there is a time for everything. Sitting in the quiet must be it right now.
I think of the past, the present and the future. I ponder on why certain things come to pass and certain others don't. Sometimes I find answers, most times I don't.
I'm beginning to see that the things I most long for in life are to be found in this quietness. That embrace that makes me feel safe is here, the realization that LOVE is all around and never changing. It follows me, protects me, and gives me hope for tomorrow.
Im learning, through all of this quiet, that change is eminent. We can never escape it, it will find us by any means possible.  The more we resist the worse it is.
I know myself pretty well to know not to resist anymore.
So as I sit here in the quiet, I welcome the changes, accept the embrace and let LOVE just love me.

Fire from within

Ever since I was 16 years old I can remember the feeling of being on fire for God.
This feeling of wanting to shout it at the top of my lungs and to everyone I knew and didn't know, that Jesus died for them and loves them.
I am finding that the more I dig deeper into God's word and the more I try to apply His word to my life in every situation, the more I want to shout again.....JESUS DIED FOR YOU, HE LOVES YOU, RECEIVE HIM NOW!!!!
There is an urgency in these feelings for me....I know people, ones that are very close to me that I love dearly, they need this message. When you're that close to someone it's hard to get the messages across without portraying yourself as high and mighty. People that close to us know our faults and failures, so sending a message of hope and healing and love through Jesus Christ, doesn't always come through that way.
I pray that through my actions it can speak louder than my words ever could.
Change me Jesus that my actions drowned out my words from my past, that the future of those I love dearly be changed, and personal relationships with You be made possible.

Whispers....

How do you hear God?

I'm having a conversation with God all day long.
Sometimes I talk to much (I guess I need to practice the time to be quiet huh?), sometimes I have the conversation in my head and I just listen. Most of the time what I hear are whispers.
Little small comments whispered in my ear, telling me the answer to the question I have just asked.
Common sense answers really, obvious answers. This has happened to me ever since I started praying, so for a very long time. I have concluded that these whispers, are God speaking to me through the Holy Spirit.
These whispers really are what I hold onto, they are the answers to the big stuff as well as the small stuff.
Through these whispers decisions have been made. Crazy decisions, hard decisions, easy decisions.
I know through prayer and whispers where my path with take me, sort of. We can't know everything.
I have a friend who posted a comment that said God has shown her part of what He's doing for her. That's exciting! We can't know everything, but God is gracious enough to reveal parts of His plan. Just enough to keep us excited and hopeful for the end result.
I have confirmation through prayer that a trip to Haiti is in my near future. Im preparing for it now.
Small steps, but steps regardless.  Through all of the whispers, I know this is where I need to go.
I know it probably sounds crazy, a bit impractical, but isn't that what God wants us to do. Who He wants us to be. The out of the ordinary people doing His work for His kingdom. Jesus has Crazy Love for us, we should have Crazy Love for His people all over the world.
So, my path is set for Haiti. Thank you God for the whispers in my ear, don't stop.

A Time for Everything

"For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace."
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Skipping to verse 10 and 11
"I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.  He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end."

Looking over these verses, it's hard for me to pick out what the time for me is. I think its safe to say it's always a time to love and hate, and being a woman I think it's always a time to speak. Hence the creation of this blog.  And if I had any stones I'm not sure that I would be scattering them, they might get thrown instead.
I really do love the whole book of Ecclesiastes, it's about being human, and trying to figure out what it is we are to do in our lives, where are we suppose to go and why.  Solomon was a wise man, I could read this book a million times over and come away with a different perspective each time. Amazing.
Personal turmoil, whether one has a relationship with Jesus or not, always makes us take a step back and evaluate our lives. Questions always come when we do that.  Why did this happen? Have I wasted my time? What am I suppose to do now? I say read Ecclesiastes, you just might discover some answers.
I know that God has plans for me, it says it in Jeremiah 29:11. God wants us to prosper, His plans are for good.  When we can't possibly find any good in what has just happened, God can. He knows everything.
I choose to trust Him, wholeheartedly. I know that wont be easy, it never is. I will give it my best shot and see where I am on the other side when all is said and done.
There are personal changes in the making, plans that God is revealing to me and preperations being made so that these plans can be carried out. Its all a bit exciting to think about, and some what scary at the same time. Have you ever thought of doing something or an event happening in your life but you can't really see it happening at all, then some things you can? For me, its the crazy things I see coming to fruition. A missions trip to Haiti, definitely see that in the works for the not so distant future. Marriage, I can't even fathom that thought. Once again, God has a plan. Putting my selfish human side aside and letting His plan unfold and become the wonderful blessing that He has in store is the struggle. I know I'm not alone in that struggle, and with God's grace and mercy, I can overcome it.
More children? Who knows what God will do in Haiti. Like it says in verses 10 and 11, we can't see all God has planned out, but it is beautiful, in its own time.